You Don’t Have To Stand By Those Who Don’t Like You

Who doesn’t like you deserve your attention, your company and your care? Sometimes you do things you don’t want because you think they are part of your obligations. Karen Horney has already talked about the tyranny of the “shoulds”. Shoulds are those verbalizations in the form of orders that we say to ourselves. They are usually a product of socialization or education and motivate us to act against our values ​​or interests.

Getting rid of these self-obligations is not easy: they tend to be deeply rooted in our beliefs, and the mere fact of considering not following these inclinations produces a cognitive dissonance, that is, a state of discomfort, a product of the attempt. to fit two pieces that do not have matching edges.

Thus, when these two constructions collide, an internal conflict arises that motivates us to do something to resolve it. There are two options: keep doing what we should do or act in accordance with our values ​​and change course, even if it means going against the tide.

When should you leave the side of those who don’t like you?

Saying someone doesn’t like you is too broad. The important thing is to set some limits. Not because we benefit from it or because we believe we are the navel of the world, but because these relationships represent an obstacle to our well-being.

What do we mean by “not liking you”? Psychologist Silvia Congost advises us to cover our ears and observe what happens. It’s easy to tell a person that you love them using words, and it’s also tempting to just believe it. But are we really feeling this love we’ve heard so much about? Are that person’s actions consistent with what it means to love? If there are words of love but no actions that reveal this affection, perhaps we are simply facing a lie.

There are some non-negotiable boundaries by which it would not be bad to leave these relationships behind . Besides them, there will be others that will be personal to each one. In this sense, each one has to decide, opening their hearts, to what extent they think it would be logical to support those who harm them. The limits that we believe should not be exceeded are as follows:

when they mistreat us

On both a physical and psychological level, at the time of abuse, it is convenient to end this relationship. We are not referring only to the sphere of the couple, but to any interpersonal relationship, even if it is in the family. Abuse is a way of making others believe they are inferior.

The aggressor really thinks he has the right to commit some kind of harm against another human being. This gradually undermines the victim’s self-esteem, which, if he does not get out of this relationship, will be extremely nullified. The longer we remain in an abuse situation, the more we believe we should stay because we are inferior and don’t deserve any better.

when they ignore us

Ignoring someone you should love is another form of abuse. It’s turning your back on the other person, making them feel less than you do. It is important that the victim does not get carried away by the idea that “this person is like that, it’s their way of behaving” , as this presupposes a hope of change or the minimization of the emptiness they are feeling.

The moment a person ignores us, he is telling us that he doesn’t care what we have to say to him, our feelings, what we think, etc.

when they humiliate us

There are people who laugh at others in public or who make jokes about their physical appearance or the way they speak. Sometimes these humiliations don’t happen in public, but in private. In any case, we must not allow anyone to humiliate us, because it is our self-esteem that is at stake .

It is true that our appearance and the way we act do not define us per se . We must have this very clear in our minds. Still, it’s normal to feel unhappy when someone else makes negative allusions to it, especially if it’s someone important to us.

when they cancel us

Not only freedom is needed, but also the feeling of freedom. Therefore, whoever likes you not only does not limit your freedom beyond what is reasonable, but also guarantees you the feeling of having it. Thus, it leaves you responsible for your mistakes and can repair them as well as your successes.

For example, there are parents who try to convince their children to pursue a certain university career and say they do it “for their own good” . These parents are not loving their children in a generous way, however much they might understand it that way. In fact, it can be noted that this manipulation responds more to a self-centeredness than to a real interest in what really arouses interest in the children.

When they restrict our freedom

Freedom is one of the most precious possessions. We have to feel free to decide what to think, how to dress, which friends to choose or which city to live. Allowing someone to make these decisions means giving up a part of the power that shapes us, which is genuinely ours.

this is not an obligation

Remember this is not a must. It’s not written anywhere that you have to be with those who don’t like you. Perhaps the opposite is true, namely, interrupting the inertia that prevents you from severing this relationship.

Those who don’t like you don’t deserve to enjoy your worth. Anyone who doesn’t transcend the more selfish side of the relationship doesn’t deserve your generosity. Those who do not offer themselves do not deserve their availability. However much you read these words, putting the consequences of these ideas into practice is your decision, it is your own exercise in assertiveness that we encourage here.