Sibling Jealousy: How To Deal With It?

Sibling jealousy is relatively common and normal in childhood. This is an important issue and one that often worries parents, as the older brother seems to feel that another child is taking his place. Suddenly, he “gains a little brother” and is no longer the king of the house. Now he needs to share the throne with someone who seems to demand more attention, with someone who collects a lot of looks and smiles. Someone you’re going to start comparing yourself to…

This situation in which the child no longer occupies that place where he was happy and felt so secure, ends up generating fear. Fear of losing a privileged place. A place where everyone looked at her, protected her, loved her. Now it seems that love (already fully established and secure) is threatened.

The dethroned child’s mind thinks something like, “I’m not important to my parents anymore! I need to do something. I also want to get the attention he’s getting”! That’s why they begin these endless battles to get the attention they used to get. An attention that will now have to be shared.

When the birth of a brother is a catastrophe for the firstborn

The dethroned child feels frustrated and powerless. Your mind whispers messages of fear to you, and sometimes messages that are a little catastrophic. They all have to do with your survival: your love is no longer reciprocated, it is not worthy of the love you received. Now, you will have to fight for that love. You will have to do something to regain the same kind of affection and attention you received before without any effort.

Usually these jealousies between siblings disappear as the children grow up. The problem occurs when these rationally logical jealousies do not cease and intensify over time.

In this case, other variables are intervening and parents need to be careful. This feeling cannot be minimized and needs to be watched carefully. Parents often end up paying more attention to the jealous child, but this is not enough for him. In a way, she acts this way to keep receiving certain “privileges” that she otherwise wouldn’t get so easily.

It is important to understand that each case is unique and has its own peculiarities. There are children who already have a certain predisposition to jealousy. For others, these episodes of anger (at the new sibling) develop only in this particular situation… Or there are births that coincide or trigger a series of emotional disturbances in the parents… Each family and its circumstances are unique.

Understanding the origin of jealousy among siblings

As each case is unique, the origin of this jealousy among the siblings must be understood. This may be a reflection of the child’s personality or the parent’s affective style. Jealousy between siblings can also reflect the emotional moment the family is going through, the moment the new birth occurred…etc.

If we can understand how our dethroned child is suffering, we can understand him better and act calmly. The child has his own emotions and is equally worthy and deserving of respect, no matter what his age. We cannot allow these conflicting emotions to generate more suffering and family chaos than they are already generating.

Angry episodes against the younger brother need to be resolved: talk a lot with the older child. If this doesn’t do it, next time you put him on the ground, but always explaining why. It is necessary to pay attention to and approve of the positive behaviors that our child demonstrates. All cooperative and self-reliant behavior must be recognized, valued and reinforced.  In most cases, this is what the child needs: to feel safe, to have confidence in himself and in his surroundings.

Creating an emotionally stable environment for the child is part of the solution.

The highly variable and unstable environments end up creating chaos in the child’s emotional development. Therefore, as far as possible, we should create healthy environments where children feel protected and safe from their parents’ affection. Usually, children learn through the example of adults.

For this reason, it is very important that we teach our children values ​​that they can use in their interactions with others: positive values ​​such as solidarity or joy. Instead of perceiving people’s achievements with anger and envy, perceiving them as something that does not affect their safety will help our child to see reality in a different color. A cleaner reality will be healthy for your emotional development, thus preventing the emergence of jealousy among siblings.

It will be difficult for a child to be happy with his brother’s success if he perceives in his parents’ attitudes a rejection of achievements or good news in relation to others.

The child will feel safer in an environment where their good qualities are valued, than in an environment where their flaws are constantly pointed out. It would be a form of “positive” education, in which we applaud healthy behaviors and seek to extinguish those that are less adaptive and more disruptive.

Have you ever had cases of jealousy between siblings in the family? How did you handle this situation?