Passive-Aggressive Friends, When Trust Hurts

Passive-aggressive friends are bad traveling companions. However, sometimes it is difficult to leave them behind, say goodbye, explain that nothing is easy with them, that friendship hurts and that we feel clearly harmed by their way of being. While it’s true that this type of relationship is difficult to deal with, it’s something we should consider.

So… what would be most correct in these situations? Do you continue to maintain that bond or talk seriously with this friend and demand change? Well, in these types of situations, there is no universal formula.

There are actually different subtypes within the passive-aggressive personality. Therefore, we can face people with more harmful behavior and others a little less.

The truth is that, despite the existence of different types, living with someone passive-aggressive means having to endure, almost daily, behaviors full of insecurity, ambivalence, resentment and even hidden aggression.

Sometimes they can be very subtle, but when you share time with that kind of profile, those subtleties come out and hurt like stings.

In any case, the best thing is to know how to react. Having a passive-aggressive friend involves, among other things, experiencing conflicts almost continuously and suffering a slow demoralization. However, what is expected of a friendship is just the opposite.

Passive-Aggressive Friends, A Very Common Personality Type

The passive-aggressive personality has been described in psychology for over a century. In fact, it was the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich who first spoke about it just after World War II. According to him, it was the most prevalent personality type in the population.

Furthermore, shortly thereafter, this profile appeared in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) , being classified as a personality disorder.

However, in more recent versions of this manual, it is no longer considered a “disorder” to be understood simply as a form of personality, which, in certain cases, can appear with other conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or even the disorder of dependent personality.

On the other hand, as we are well aware, this type of behavior can appear in many people in our immediate environment: fathers, mothers, partners, co-workers, friends… However, there is a curious fact: it is easier to identify this behavior in us other than in ourselves.

We must keep in mind: we are all susceptible to having this harmful dynamic .

Passive-Aggressive Friends and Their Behaviors

When we talk about passive-aggressive friends, the subject is a little more complicated. The reason? Often, what unites us with these people is time and affection. It is possible that we have experienced many things with you, and even that we have become accustomed to being patient, to forgiving and to giving third and fourth chances.

However, we know there is something wrong with them and we don’t know what to name. So let’s see what characterizes this type of profile. To do this, we will draw on the works of Theodore Millon.

are crooked

What exactly does it mean to be devious? This term refers to a clearly distorted type of behavior. These would be some examples:

• They are prone to procrastination. They take a long time to respond, attend an appointment, or react when something is expected of them.

• They are people who always “forget” things, those who cannot be trusted and those who always have a thousand excuses and justifications in their pockets.
• They tend to be angry often ; when they do, they use silence as punishment.

are abrasive

Passive-aggressive friends have abrasive behaviors, those that hurt and leave an emotional mark. This means that their treatment is often harmful; they make use of an apparent moral superiority to judge and criticize us ; soon afterward, they show themselves to be submissive and dependent.

Instability as a way of being

A phrase that defines them perfectly is “with you, but without you”. They have the need to control us, to be on top of us to oversee every aspect of our lives, but at the same time they don’t support our opinion of what they do or don’t do.

In the same way, it is common that, at first, they are full of energy and positivity and, hours later, they are a well of resentment and suffering.

the eternal dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive friends see problems in every situation, an error in every detail, a speck of dust in every gleaming crystal. Something like that makes, for example, we can’t share our joys with them, because if there’s one thing they’re experts at it’s ending dreams, hopes and morals.

Also, this personality type is very skilled when it comes to using victimization.  They also wear glasses where they only see themselves and their own distorted reality.

I have passive-aggressive friends, what can I do?

Passive-aggressive friends can demoralize us and completely distort the concept of friendship. We shouldn’t get used to this kind of behavior; on the contrary, we can react using some strategies:

• Don’t fall into his trap: if your friend stops talking to you out of anger, let him stop. If he asks for something you don’t want or won’t do you good, don’t do it. If he throws things in your face, don’t mind him. The last thing we should do is reinforce these behaviors and let them affect us in any way.
• Always remember one thing: a passive-aggressive’s biggest fear is being ignored and losing your friendship; therefore, do not attach importance to any kind of threat or blackmail.
• Firmness and calm. You need to make it clear to your passive-aggressive friends that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. Always communicate calmly and closely: balance will always be your best strategy.

• If there are no changes, it’s better to distance yourself. It is necessary for these people to realize that such harmful behaviors cannot be repeated. If they happen again and your friend doesn’t want to make changes, improve and become aware, the ideal is to move away.

Ideally, this personality type should have professional help. As we don’t always take this step, let’s try to protect our psychological well-being, remembering that we are facing very harmful behaviors.