If Love Clips Your Wings, It’s Not Love, It’s Dependence
“I can’t live without you” is a phrase we find all the time in songs, poems or regular conversations. Not to mention radio and television with its soap operas, melodramas and other spaces for entertainment. In principle, we don’t realize that this is a strong statement of dependency.
There is also a lot of talk about “half an orange”, “I’m nothing without you”, “I go with you to the end of the world”. The harsh reality shows us, however, that behind similar and perhaps innocent demonstrations of commitment expressed in words, there may be something more. Perhaps there is a hidden enemy present: dependency.
As we see, it is the same society that repeats messages, in tones of romantic love, that feeds this emotional dependence. Precisely in these messages, love loses its meaning and becomes a silent struggle that little by little ends up destroying the relationship. It never leads to anything good.
Do we know how to identify when we move from love to dependence? It is difficult to establish this, mainly because the pride and fear of being alone make us blindfolded. But there is a surefire aspect that is a sure warning sign: if you suffer in your relationship but can’t leave it, it’s possible that it has turned into addiction.
Need to control and be controlled: dependency symptom
They hang on to their cell phones to see when their partner connects ; and when you connect and don’t greet right away, doubts, fears, anger begin. In the meantime, he or she may not see you because he or she is in the middle of a meeting, in the classroom, etc. There is also the possibility that the person doesn’t want to at this point, which is not an indicator that he or she loves you less.
For this reason, a lot of relationships have ended or face terrible problems. Knowing where the other is, what they are doing, what they are thinking or not thinking about is a clear demonstration of emotional dependence. Social networks become spaces for misunderstandings. The light that announces the presence on Facebook or WhatsApp has turned into an accusatory finger.
So is feeling that you are not important to the other person. “What’s going on that you don’t even feel jealous anymore? Don’t you care who I am?” . Apparently the person sins by omission. So love, instead of being used to grow up together, shows one of its worst faces and exposes insecurity.
manipulation and dependence
It is necessary to save the relationship, whatever the cost. It’s like holding the last piece of wood that floats in the sea after a shipwreck. It doesn’t matter if the pain multiplies. The only thing that counts is not allowing, for any reason, that person to get away and let us drift.
We can no longer eat or sleep. Our immunity goes down and we get sick. Right now, we miss the manipulation. He or she is to blame for the misfortune. If he or she leaves, there’s no point fighting, “I need you on my side, because I’m nothing without you.”
The partner feels pressured and even guilty about the situation. Although he no longer loves, he stays anyway. You don’t want to carry the responsibility for life if you cause serious harm to another person. He wouldn’t forgive himself. At this point we can no longer speak of love. If the relationship is maintained under these conditions, it has now become a source of pain.
What can I do if I suffer from addiction?
As with everything in life, the first step is to recognize that we are facing a problem. Accept that that wonderful relationship only remains a commitment that, perhaps, we keep out of habit or fear. It is necessary to face reality with decision and courage.
It is common to fall into the idealization of the other and not overcome what is produced in the early stages of dating. That’s why it’s so difficult to establish new relationships, because we’re dedicated to comparing all the men or women who approach us with our previous partner. Dependence brings with it this rejection of everything that is not idealized.
Speaking directly and bluntly is essential. It is not about imposing our point of view, much less falling into manipulation. The ideal is to be honest, tell the truth and release the other from a love that no longer gives life, but rather poisons.
A breakup with a person we still love without a doubt brings a lot of pain. It’s a feeling similar to what we feel when a loved one dies. First, we refuse to accept that this person will no longer be by our side. Then we plunge into a sadness for those memories that haunt us. After suffering, we assimilate the loss: something “clicks” inside us and we are ready to start again.
Images courtesy of M. Lafontan and Zemael
