Excessive Kindness Is A Way Of Hurting Ourselves

There are all kinds of people: some, with their help, ease our journey, and others are like stones in the path that only hinder our path. However, what about when there is excessive goodness?

Each of us chooses who is on our side and when to set limits to avoid setbacks. Now, have you ever wondered why there are people who are always willing to help? What motivates them, even when they are not receiving requests for support? These are the people who carry the flag of goodness and are always willing to extend a hand.

We might believe that kindness is always good because it helps maintain our well-being, but that’s not true when boundaries are crossed – and someone acts friendly at all times. It is toxic goodness, a way in which we forget about ourselves because we are available to others.

Excessive kindness when I lose focus

Sometimes we give so much for others that we stop thinking about ourselves. Think of the typical situation where a mother does everything for her children’s well-being and takes care of them so much that she forgets about her own needs.

This does not mean that doing something for the other is wrong, but focusing only on the other is. So, we have situations where we want to please others, either because they ask us for help or because, without asking, we believe they need us and offer to make them feel good in every way.

Even if you don’t believe that this excess of kindness can get to be bothersome, sometimes we don’t let the other person do what they want, because we anticipate them. So we focus so much on what we think the other person needs that we forget what we need.

In this way, we become blurry, we start to become invisible thanks to our own actions. Being always aware of the other, we put ourselves in last place. It’s a way of bypassing us, of diminishing our importance.

When I’m not able to say no because of my excessive kindness

It may also happen that we place a very high value on kindness. So, since we believe in being kind, we don’t set limits and always say yes to everything. We are willing to do everything you ask to be a good person.

What’s wrong with that? If it’s things that don’t bother you, of course, there’s nothing wrong, but imagine that because you’re kind, you have to be in an uncomfortable situation. Would you be willing to feel discomfort just for being kind?

We often fall into this trap, we believe that, in order to be good people, we have to accept what they ask for, because then we will please others and get along with them. But what about us? Neither extreme is adequate;  you can be kind even by setting boundaries so that you don’t step over yourself or allow others to do so.

Disadvantages of Excessive Kindness

Toxic goodness brings a series of obstacles to us and our environment. Take a look at the following disadvantages so you don’t forget yourself for being too kind:

• Insecurity.

• Low self esteem.
• Less self-knowledge.
• Less authentic relationships.
• Guilt.
• Increases dependency in relationships.
• Greater anxiety.
• It can increase the need for approval from others at all times.

These are just some of the disadvantages of toxic goodness. It’s like a vicious circle in which we forget about ourselves. We lower our worth and create relationships that can cause us pain because we are always waiting for what the other needs.

So, when the other is not there, we don’t know what to do because we always act for him. As we are not used to thinking about ourselves when the other is not available, it becomes difficult to be with us.

Strategies to Stop Being Overly Kind

Now, although excessive kindness can become a part of us, there are ways to start being kind in a healthier way. Thus, we will give ourselves the value we deserve and we will have more authentic and fluid relationships.

• Set limits. Let people know how far they can go with you. That is, talk about the things that bother you, what you wouldn’t do, what bothers you, etc. That way, people will know what they can ask for and what they can’t.
• Say goodbye to guilt. Sometimes you need to say no. Stop feeling guilty about not doing a favor or not always being available to other people. You don’t have to do that, and that doesn’t mean you’re no longer good, it means that you consider yourself important too.

• Make a list of your priorities. You can continue to be available to others, but without letting go. Get organized and decide what are the most important things in your life. This way, you will know how much time you have for others and at what times you can be available for them.
• Know yourself. That way you’ll know what you want, so it’s easier to set priorities and boundaries for others. You will understand your feelings and thoughts more deeply, and you will be able to understand why it is difficult to pay attention.

As you can see, it’s about caring about you. It won’t be that complicated, because if you already know how to treat others very well, you can certainly do that to yourself. So don’t forget that kindness is important, but just right.

The price of being overly kind to others is to let us go. Now to give the fair share of kindness you must trust and value yourself. Only if you appreciate and know how important you are will you understand that no one is above you.

Also, remember that  although your intentions are the best, there are those who can take advantage of your excessive kindness, because they know they will get what they want, because you always say yes. Focus on yourself, prioritize yourself and set limits.