Dear Me, Sorry For Hurting You So Much

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. Now that you’re in front of the mirror and I have the courage to look you in the eye, I want you to listen carefully. I have so much to tell you, so much to regret, that I can’t go on living as if nothing had happened. Is not fair.

More than once I’ve tried to have this conversation with you, but I wasn’t ready. The fear, disappointment and suffering of facing everything I’ve done to you over the years clung to my throat and prevented me from uttering any words…

I preferred to pretend that nothing had happened, I actually came to believe it.

He knows? Sometimes we believe we are prepared, we think we are strong and that we can do anything, but we also make mistakes. That’s what happened to me: I was wearing a blindfold over my eyes…

Now, I can look you face to face and recognize you in the mirror. I no longer run from you or my complexes. You are no longer invisible to me. I see you, see me, see us. I accept us.

This reunion, this rediscovery made me very happy, but I still feel a trapped thorn that doesn’t let me fully enjoy you. After all, what is reconciliation without an excuse? So, with the intention of strengthening that bond, I wrote this letter.

forgive me for so much misunderstanding

Dear me, sorry for hurting you so much. For forgetting you, for putting you in the background, even for denying you and disguising you as who you weren’t. For camouflaging you, putting masks on you…

I know. Being ashamed of you hurt you so much. The feeling of rejection is one of the deepest emotional wounds we can experience.

I denied you and with that I denied me. Hiding who we are is one of the worst betrayals we can commit. It’s becoming invisible to yourself. And how it hurts!

I keep thinking about how badly I thought about you, about me, about us. The contempt he had for us. There was nothing that did any good. I remember how I trapped you to blame and let you down with no defenses.

It didn’t matter if it was related to the physique, the personality or a punctual behavior, I couldn’t stand you. In these moments I believed that you had nothing to offer me, nothing that I could value…

Dear me, I’m sorry for demanding too much of you, for hitting you with destructive words and criticizing everything that didn’t live up to my expectations. I know that when I spoke to you I was unkind, and when you expected a gesture of affection, I responded coldly.

Forgive me. Instead of hugging you, I pulled away, and that created a deeper and deeper spiral of discomfort.

So many times I silenced you, even though you asked me for help inside… I’m sorry. I closed myself off to you, to me, to us until I couldn’t anymore, until my chest exploded from the pressure I felt and my mood didn’t remember what it was like to feel good and calm and happy. I destroyed myself.

And although I don’t want this situation for anyone, thanks to my shipwreck I found out that you still existed, that you were there, waiting for my eyes to turn to you at some point. Once again, sorry for hurting you so much.

Dear me, I want to propose a deal

Dear me, from now on, I want this bond that we have to be different. I want to protect you. So I propose a deal: let’s bet on us. I for you and you for me. Let us be one instead of the false hero and the executioner. Let’s be accomplices.

I promise to listen to you, even though it sometimes hurts. I know you have important things to tell me. Now I won’t steal your voice, quite the opposite. If it’s in my hands, I’ll make you express yourself stronger.

I want to get to know you, rediscover you, know all your details: what you like and what you don’t like, what is good about you and what needs to be improved… Everything.

I don’t guarantee it won’t hurt you, that’s impossible. We all make mistakes, but what I say is that I will not do anything with malicious intent and that I will think of us. In our happiness, in being who we are.

Because after trying out thousands of disguises I realized that if it’s not you, it won’t be anyone. I have savored the price of betrayal and I can say it is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.

I will respect you and when you feel bad I will care about you. I’ll put myself in your place, in everything you’ve lived, I’ll try to understand you.

Instead of blaming you, of asking the whys, I’m going to ask your whats for. Because that’s the only way I can understand what happens to you, what drives you away and what worries you.

I will embrace your fears and your wounds. Everything I learned taught me that it is impossible to move forward without dialoguing, listening and understanding. Fighting with anger and hate only separates me from you and plunges me into heartbreak, sadness and pain. And I don’t want this for you or me.

I know that life is difficult and that there will be times of tension and failure, times when we would like to not continue or change the path, but let me walk through them with you. I know I hurt you, disappointed you, but let’s try.

I want to build bridges towards well-being and acceptance. I want us to be one instead of two, I want this bond to grow and fill us with peace and love. I want to hold your hand again, not to let go of you anymore.

What do you say, accept the deal?