Dear Me, Let’s Stop Fighting For Someone Who Doesn’t Love Us

Dear “me”,  let’s stop fighting for someone who doesn’t love us. Let’s fight not to suffer anymore for a love with many contradictions. Let’s put dignity in our hearts and root out this affective dictatorship to bravely say  “I’m leaving you because I love myself”.

We know it’s not easy. We are aware that our brain does not have a reset button, an emergency exit or a window that opens so that the fresh breeze can oxygenate the prison of our pains. The brain is stubborn, methodical and persistent. It is an entity that struggles and persists to keep emotional memories, because in the end they are responsible for this great mark on our identity.

They say that loving without being loved is like trying to light a candle with an unlit match. And the truth is, we don’t quite know why we do this, why we go out of  our way to worship for someone who doesn’t love us. We persist and resist these cognitive biases of  “if I say this, it could be…”, “if I change this, it’s possible that…”  as if we were going to achieve something like that.

However, love is not a vending machine. It’s not enough to put in a coin and press a button to get what you’ve been waiting for. Sometimes, there is nothing more to do but take that step:  kill false hopes and stop dying in life for those who walk in other directions and with other companies.

The shadow of those who don’t love you refuses to disappear from your brain

We wondered a moment ago why this is so: why is it so complex to turn the page and act with more integrity when we are aware that we are not loved. The answer to this question lies, as it could not be otherwise, in the intricate and always fascinating neurological world. To understand it better, we give an example.

We spend a few days where we have the full feeling that everything is fine. We are overcoming this separation. However, on any given afternoon, we come across someone who wears the same perfume as our ex. Almost without knowing how, suffering approaches us again to immobilize us and bring us back to the brink of tears.

Antoine Bechara is a well-known University of California neurobiologist who defined what we know as “brain conflict”. When a person is rejected,  the brain remains attached to certain stimuli, images and memories. The neural network in charge of executing this intimate but powerful relationship is located in two very concrete areas: between the hippocampus and the amygdala.

We cannot forget that these structures govern and orchestrate all memory closely related to emotions. In this way,  each experience lived with this special person was recorded in fire  and, in turn, is anchored to certain stimuli that act as triggers or evoked memories.

Hence, when smelling a perfume, seeing a certain type of clothing, a photograph or passing by that restaurant where we had dinner on the weekend, our neurotransmitters are activated to the point that we become authentic addicts to this impossible love.

It is not so easy to break this bond or to allay this cerebral conflict.

Dear me, open your eyes to fight and heal your heart

The anatomy of rejection and abandonment is fleshless, deep, and complex. We know that our reluctance to turn the page is not always voluntary, that our brains also feed this condemnation in its vicious, biochemical cycle.

However, neurologists explain to us that  the “time factor” ends up reducing the activity of these linked memories. The brain connections that provide such negative emotions gradually fade, until they become the echo of a sad and distant melody that we will end up evoking with less suffering.

The passing of the months will allow us to move forward more calmly, because as long as we apply adequate psychological strategies, we will stop nurturing the cult of those who do not love us. Next we’ll explain what strategies could help.

Keys to Overcome Affective Rejection

“Dear me, if you don’t love you, remember to love yourself above all things.” This would undoubtedly be the main premise that we should integrate into our interior. However, it is clear that  people have not taught us to resign or lose, which is  why it costs us so much to break all kinds of ties.

• Understand that love is not sacrifice. So, there is no point  “if I stop doing this it is possible that he/she will love me”,  or  “if I change this and that, I’m sure he/she will like me more”. Don’t do that, don’t initiate emotional suicides, don’t humiliate yourself, don’t put gas on the only thing that gives you strength: your self-esteem.

• If it hurts you, then it doesn’t love you. That simple. If you are that invisible being on your carousel of infidelities, selfishness and low words: walk away. Why be the victim of this emotional torture chamber in which you yourself became a prisoner? In the end you will find that freedom is the best balm, and solitude a welcome retreat.

• In impossible loves, the first thing you must lose is hope. There are relationships that are born with an expiration date, and if you are fully aware that nothing you want can ever exist, walk out the front door. With dignity, with your head held high and your heart whole.

Loving someone who doesn’t love us is extremely painful, but it’s even worse to stop loving ourselves for someone who doesn’t even deserve us. Act with integrity and wisdom, always knowing that we should love only what is worthy of being loved.