And Suddenly You Arrived, A Story About Passion

He always saw her in the hallways of college. He tried to sit next to her in class to admire her beauty. His face conveyed peace, serenity. His long, wavy, dark hair induced him into an almost hypnotic state. His physical appearance was perfect. She was the kind of girl he had always been looking for.

From time to time, they exchanged glances and the occasional greeting. At those moments, his voice trembled and he didn’t quite know what to say. I understood that I was in a phase of quite intense passion. What he didn’t know yet is that passion is on our minds.

Patricia was the girl he’d been waiting for for many years, and here they were, sharing the same spot every morning. When he met her, a delicious perfume invaded the environment, and he was completely intoxicated. When they crossed and said hello, his legs shook.

By your side

He imagined her strolling the city streets. Commenting on the most beautiful buildings, the strangest and everything they observed. They would sit on a bench, talk and laugh a lot.

Afterwards, they would go to lunch somewhere and continue having fun. Until one day, they would hug and kiss. Every time he looked at her in college, all those kinds of thoughts roamed his mind.

One day, having lunch with a friend at the college cafeteria, she sat next to him. How was that possible? He started to get really nervous. The girl of his life was in front of him. She was beautiful. Everything about her was perfect. His passion grew more and more, and he was too afraid to let her down.

The illusion of a special connection

From that day on, they shared the same table on other occasions. They talked about many things and laughed. They always ordered the dish of the day for lunch. She drank soda and he drank water. She liked salad better and he liked pasta. And for dessert he used to eat fruit and she a pudding. He would look into her eyes and imagine himself with her on some paradisiacal beach, sunbathing and swimming in crystal clear waters.

They saw each other more and more. Patricia also seemed to be looking for him. He had been in love with her for over a year and a half. One day, they decided to meet outside of college and went for coffee. It was very nice. They had slightly different tastes, but that didn’t matter; they complemented each other in a formidable way. He saw signs in her that seemed to show a special connection.

And the time has come

One winter afternoon, Patricia sat next to him at the college cafeteria.

– I have something to say to you. – told him. At that instant, he began to shake. The time had come.

– Sure, say it. – he replied.

– I am in love. I haven’t told you this before because I don’t really like to talk about myself in that aspect, but I’m not sure what to do.

– What’s the problem? Are you unrequited? – he asked, wanting to hear the answer.

– Yes, I am reciprocated… – she replied.

– Then? he asked impatiently.

– The boy is not from here, he lives in another city, we would see each other very little and long-distance relationships are very difficult, or at least that’s what they say…

At that moment, he stopped listening to what she was saying. He dove into a large dark well and turned off the light. He stared at her, and came to feel an anger he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Why that boy and not him? She had shown signs of interest! What was happening? It couldn’t be, it was him she had to like, not the other boy. He had loved her for a long time in secret, without being able to say anything, and now that he had her by his side, she was in love with someone else.

He didn’t want to keep listening. In fact, he didn’t want to see her again. His happiness had crumbled, and he felt lost and disappointed. He was quite deluded, because a possible future relationship would make him happy, but there was no option left.

He loved her, but she loved someone else. Nothing made sense. He even thought that she had amused herself at his expense by giving him these false signs of interest.

What really happened

A few months later, he met an elderly man while riding a bus home. The drive took an hour and a half, and they had plenty of time to talk.

Speaking a little of everything, he commented on his great story of lack of love and, despite his surprise, the man looked at him tenderly and said, smiling:

– The problem is that you were not in love with her.

– Sorry? – he asked incredulously – I loved her for over a year, how was I not in love?

– You can’t love someone you don’t know, at least in a romantic sense… you were in love yes, but not with her, but with your expectations of her. Passion is not love, young friend, don’t get confused. The passion is in our minds…

They remained a few minutes in silence. He didn’t quite understand what the man was trying to say. While he didn’t know what expression to adopt, that elderly man smiled as he watched the landscape through the window. The man turned to him and continued:

– You see, this girl must have triggered a certain excitement in you with her physical appearance, and from then on, you began to imagine a very happy life with her. It was no more than that, excitement and expectations, but in reality, you didn’t know her very well. Little by little, you started to idealize it more and more.

“Besides, when you got to know her better, you picked the aspects you liked best and exaggerated them even more, while voluntarily avoiding those you liked least. And that’s not all, you thought she should make you happy, you left your happiness in her hands. And I am sorry to tell you, young friend, that this is not love, this is attachment. That’s why you felt so disappointed. Love is real, love is real, in love no one is expected to do anything for you, you are the one who seeks the other person’s happiness.

“You wanted to interpret your signs as gestures of passion for you, because that’s what you wanted to see, ” continued the old man. You were the director, screenwriter and actor of the movie you were imagining in your head. The point is that you believed and misrepresented reality. But do not worry. It happens to all of us. We tend to fall into these traps. If you really feel love for her, want her to be happy, with you or with another guy, it doesn’t matter. Next time, think about whether you are really falling in love with your thoughts and expectations of someone or if you feel true love.

The passion is in our minds

– I’ll tell you something – added that man – as José Ortega y Gasset said: “One of the most characteristic qualities of passion is the aim in the conscience of the loved one, to the point of limiting, or even preventing, the good use of reasoning, the necessary mental concentration in the execution of several cognitive tasks”.

– What a phrase, huh? It took him a long time to learn it, but it impacted him so much that he couldn’t forget about it, and now it will work for you too.

The bus ride is over. He said goodbye to the old man. He arrived at his house, greeted his parents and lay down on the sofa. He thought about everything the man had said. This was information that, at first glance, might seem crazy, but which, when analyzed with a certain objectivity, seemed to be completely correct.

In fact, Patricia never liked him, it had all been his imagination. He still remembers the phrase that man said before they said goodbye: “If you really love someone, wish them well, wish them well, wish their happiness, don’t look at what that person can do for you, but what can you do for her. If you see her suffer, help her. This is love, helping others, making them happy. And if that person also feels real love for you, I guarantee you will have the most wonderful love relationship there can be.”

It all made sense to him. He started reading about love and passion and discovered an interesting article by Chóliz and Gómez (2002) that claims that attractive people have advantages over those who aren’t, so we can notice them and fall in love with them. Simply because they are attractive, we tend to attribute desirable characteristics to them, and in this way, they receive more cordial treatment.

So, between the words of that old man and everything he was reading, he ended up becoming more and more convinced that passion is in our minds. Therefore, we must be careful with the expectations we create.

From that experience, every time he met a girl and began to have a great emotional activation, his mind would shoot like an arrow the warning that passion is in our minds, and it would stay a long time resonating in his head. “The passion is in our minds, the passion is in our minds…”