This Is My Limit (claiming My Rights)

That’s my limit. Have you ever said that phrase? Claiming rights, setting limits and making it clear that we will no longer tolerate certain behaviors or attitudes sanitizes spaces and offers oxygen.

However, while it is not always easy to use proper assertiveness, it should be applied daily. No one deserves to live in the bitter territory of silenced needs.

Fear has many faces. It’s subtle, multifaceted, complex and always devastating. Because fear is not just the shadow of a threat or danger. There is also the fear of disappointment, the worry of not being what others expect. There is the fear of failing, of refusing when others get used to hearing the “yes” in each of our sentences.

When that happens, when we get stuck in a life devoid of emotional boundaries and boundaries to protect us, chaos and disorder arise. We can offer others that image of a person who is always organized, efficient, and caring, but within us all of our parts are loose, confused, and unconnected with each other. Identity becomes blurred and self-esteem erodes .

Albert Ellis, a well-known psychotherapist and creator of rational emotional therapy, paid special attention to this issue. He believed that one of the most common “psychological monsters” that keep us from moving forward is the need to do everything right so that others will recognize  and then treat us as we deserve. This idea, this custom, is an absolute source of suffering.

This is my limit: how to train the use of your personal rights and limits?

Generally, when we say “this is my limit”, we don’t always do it in the best way. This phrase comes up suddenly, like the sound of a coffee maker that has been holding the pressure for a long time.

When this happens, negative emotions, frustration and anger arise… It is not good to reach these limits. It is not good to neglect the good hygiene of our personal boundaries.

Find your “sweet spot”

We all have a sweet spot or a comfort zone where we feel good and safe. Now, what exactly does this term mean when applied to the field of personal boundaries?

• It is finding that state where we feel neither cold nor heat. It is that balanced and serene moment when we are “well”, where nothing hurts or bothers us. Sometimes it will be very helpful to stay in that comfort zone where not only do we feel safe, but we can also better identify where the red zones are that no one should cross.
• When you say out loud “this is my limit”, you claim an area for yourself. It is a turning point where we no longer allow certain things to ensure our balance and well-being, our “ideal point”.

• To reach this personal meridian, it is necessary to clarify our limits. This is a courageous exercise in self-knowledge that takes time and requires honest openness with yourself.
• We say this for a simple reason:  Generally, people don’t question many of the things we do. We give in, we accept, we continue, we forgive and we tell ourselves that nothing is wrong, that we can take care of everything… When obviously this is not true.

Claiming rights without the burden of guilt

Few things are as important to psychological well-being as lack of dissonance, faithfulness to one’s principles. So saying “this is my limit” whenever necessary shouldn’t hurt. The burden of guilt or remorse must not fall on us. Because beyond what we might think, what we’re really doing with this is sanitizing relationships.

Likewise, we cannot forget that by taking care of ourselves, putting ourselves in that sweet spot or space of comfort where we feel safe and protected, we guarantee our well-being. And when we are doing well, we are able to give our best to others, to create more authentic and sincere bonds.

Studies such as the one carried out by Dr. Rita Ellen Numerof, from the University of Manchester (United Kingdom), show us that if we could train each day to exercise assertiveness, we would even improve in quality of life, both in physical and mental health. Because claiming rights and setting limits is necessary in any area: family, emotional, work…

Let’s do this: let’s set boundaries without fear or guilt, because not only will this improve our relationships, but we’ll also be investing in our happiness.

Being solvent in these matters takes time, but most of all it takes a lot of inner work. We need to stop reinforcing those fears of what certain people are going to say or how they’re going to react when we say out loud “that’s my limit.” So let’s initiate those changes that so improve our balance and our emotional intelligence.