The Art Of Not Losing Your Cool During An Argument

Saying what you think or feel is a skill that some people, due to impulsiveness or ignorance, are not sufficiently trained. In fact, we’ve all lost the line at some point in the middle of a discussion, burying with it the message we wanted to get across. We know it’s not easy not to lose your cool.

In fact, maintaining control in certain situations is an art. It is not a simple task, but it is not impossible either, as psychologists who are specialists in communication and conflict management – ​​in the field of social psychology – have dedicated years of study and research to identify which resources could help us in this task.

Discuss without losing your cool: what scientific studies say?

Nelda Sheldon and Shoron Burton (2014) explain that the interpretation of the situation is the factor that most influences when it comes to maintaining control. In other words, in addition to the situation, what alters us and makes us lose our temper is our construction of what is happening. For example, when we understand that, in a discussion, there was a personal attack, the task of keeping calm becomes more complicated.

Therefore, different scientific researches have focused on knowing the role of self-esteem in the way people discuss. Thus, it was observed that those with low self-esteem and a worse self-concept tend to lose their nerves more easily (Karagözoğlu, Kahve, Koç & Adamişoğlu, 2008).

Relating this point to what we mentioned before, in this internal context it will be easier for discussions to be seen as a personal attack on your ego, which is already weak. Thus, on several occasions we may find a disproportionate response to a small comment or criticism.

Other studies have found it easier to stay calm in a discussion if we improve some of the factors we’ve listed that predispose us to it. Let us think that personality, coping habits and learning shape the way we face discussions (López-Torrecillas, Martín, de la Fuente, & Godoy, 2014).

Thus, taking into account what studies on the subject explain, we will share a series of practical strategies for not losing your cool in a discussion.

the past, past is

Dr. Mark Beyebach (2010), a psychologist who specializes in brief therapy and solution-centered therapy, explains that bringing past situations into the present increases the likelihood that people will take the discussion as a personal attack. Anger and helplessness arise because the past cannot be changed.

Thus, these negative feelings blind us and make us forget the reason for the discussion. In turn, they give rise to a sense of wasting time that, out of frustration, increases our anger.

Self-observation and self-knowledge: your best allies

Knowing your weaknesses and strengths will also help you keep your cool in arguments. If you pay attention to the evolution of the exchange and not just your posture, it will be easier to know when it is better to make a concession, focus on the other party’s arguments, or withdraw.

On the other hand, it is not the same thing to argue with people face to face or in intimacy, nor is it the same thing to argue at the end of the day, when we are already tired, and during the weekend or when we are calm. Choosing the right moment to start a discussion is also social intelligence.

Anticipation helps us maintain control

If you’re going to face a debate, an open discussion, get ready. Organize your presentation and identify the arguments that can best support it, as well as the order in which they will be presented. It’s about having a script that can be retrieved at a given time.

On the other hand, if it’s a discussion that you can predict, it’s best to have your speech prepared, your defense arguments, and your ideas clear. Find out about your possibilities, the strength of your arguments and, if possible, anticipate the replies of the other party.

Three Practical Strategies for Keeping Your Cool in a Discussion

• Avoid raising your voice and speaking in an accelerated manner. Think that your physiological constants tend to follow the speed of your speech.

• Keep your body language peaceful and non-aggressive. Watch the way you move and the gestures you make. If you are aggressive (even if you don’t mean to), you will generate a defensive response in the other person.
• If you start to feel that your nerves are fraying, you can try moving the debate to secondary issues while regaining self-confidence. It is about putting into practice the technique of time out and avoiding making mistakes that directly invalidate you as an interlocutor.

Finally, remember that the effects of the strategies we’ve listed come with time and training. You can start with an exercise in self-observation and self-criticism that lets you know what you can do best when you have an upcoming discussion.