The Curious Emotional Life Between A Man And A Woman

The emotional life between a man and a woman is a curious exchange influenced by affective and cognitive needs and customs, by the way we were brought up and by the biological and emotional differences of each human being.

The most common complaint of men towards women is that they are too emotional, while women accuse them of being too rational. With these complaints, we intend “that the other person changes and meets our needs”. We believe they could change if they really wanted to.

However, what happens is that the emotional circuits in the brains of men and women are very different. Let’s reflect on this a little:

two emotional systems

Daniela is going through a period of great stress at work. When she gets home, she just needs Jorge to listen to her and hug her. However, while Daniela tells her about her problems, Jorge puts herself as she says, in “robot mode”, and starts telling her what must be done.

This upsets Daniela because she believes that Jorge doesn’t understand her and doesn’t care what’s going on. Jorge, in turn, also suffers from seeing Daniela suffering, but he can’t find a way to help. No matter how many solutions you offer, you can’t get Daniela to listen to you and put your suggestions into practice.

Until recently, it was believed that these differences in the way they felt and expressed emotions were a result of the type of education they received. Today, we already know that the female brain’s emotional processing is different from the male brain.

This difference is based on the use of two different brain systems that operate simultaneously (The Mirror Neuron System and the Temporo-spatial Union).

When women cry, they cause brain pain in men

If we could scan Jorge’s brain while Daniela cries, we would see that two emotional reading systems are activated in his brain.

The first is the Mirror Neuron System (SNE) that allows Jorge to feel for a moment the emotional pain reflected in Daniela’s face; that is, at this point Jorge emotionally empathizes with his partner.

After this brain activation, we would be witnesses of how Jorge’s brain activates the Temporo-Parietal Union (UTP), which analyzes the situation and seeks solutions. This is what we call cognitive-empathy.

Although the brain is able to use UTP from late childhood, male hormones can establish a preference for the UTP system (this may vary from man to man).

The UTP is responsible for placing a clear boundary between their own emotions and those of other people, which often prevents them from being contaminated by others’ emotions. This strengthens the ability to cognitively and analytically seek a solution, which is very practical and adaptive in the world we live in.

If we looked at Jorge’s brain while talking to Daniela about the solutions he found to reduce his pain, we would see that his cerebral cortex activates as he naturally asks things like: “How many people are needed to do this work”? And Daniela answers: “Is that your suggestion? I have to do it with the team I have at my disposal” , while looking at Jorge with resentment.

However, Jorge’s brain ignores the emotional tone of Daniela’s last comment, because the male brain deactivates the empathy area while looking for solutions.

Following this line, Jorge will offer the wonderful solution that his brain has found: “Hire temporary employees” . Your brain areas of well-being automatically light up in the face of your big idea.

But her pleasure lasts exactly as long as it takes to change Daniela’s expression, who can only lament and cry when she realizes that her partner hasn’t understood anything and doesn’t care what she feels.

Two different realities in the brain

Jorge tries in every way to help Daniela in a practical way, as his emotional logic tells him it’s the best he can do. But Daniela is at another point and seeks, as a woman, an emotional empathy. It doesn’t matter the solutions, but feeling understood and supported.

In this sense, we conclude that a man’s emotional focus is no less valid than a woman’s, we simply function differently at the brain level.

This can become a communication problem or a way to complement each other perfectly. So now that we have that information, maybe it’s time to take it into account and make the emotional life between a man and a woman much more fulfilling…