In My Heart I Command: From I Get Up Until I Go To Bed

Our hearts must have no owner, no rented parcels or furnished corners. It is ours, it has only one owner and we are ourselves, because thanks to it we promote our autonomy, thanks to it it pumps enough self-love and the oxygen of self-esteem to be able to love fully, so that we can be masters of our paths and architects a dignified life.

Achieving this personal autonomy where in turn the feeling of intimacy with the significant people we love is integrated is not exactly an easy task. In fact, if we look at this more classic and traditional scheme of couple relationships, we will find that autonomy and intimacy have somehow been declared incompatible.

On the other hand, there is no lack of philosophical currents that remind us that no one is free from influence when it comes to marking destiny and charting the path. We are all subject to certain social, cultural and even ideological norms. But, far from internalizing this type of focus in deterministic and somewhat lacking moments of optimism, it is always good to remember what studies on individual psychology say.

We have to make an effort to incorporate into our pillars a genuine commitment to ourselves. Personal autonomy and the ability to decide what we want and what we don’t want at any given time is a basic principle of psychological well-being that deserves part of our daily effort. Our heart, understood as that metaphorical dimension that contains our emotional world and even our identity, is a universe in constant growth.

So let’s allow it to expand, always feeling its own self, but at the same time being humble and sensitive enough to know how to connect with the people around it in an authentic way. Because in balance is magic.

Leave the professional project aside because our partner is asking for it. Renounce the love of our life because our parents don’t like it. Changing our hobbies because our friends always have other plans. Surrender ahead of time, because no one supports our goals (…)

These would be some generic and broad examples of what is supposed to undermine our own dignity, our self-esteem and identity. Such sabotage, and this is important to consider, does not come exclusively from the people around us; it comes also, and in many cases especially, from ourselves.

We shouldn’t just blame those who give us their reins of control and their fences. Let us take responsibility by understanding that whoever gives in and succumbs to such arrest and violation is also ourselves.

On the other hand, remember that those who leave the helm of life in the hands of other people do not do so on a one-off or spontaneous basis. In fact, it’s a daily exercise that we voluntarily neglect, like someone who one day decides to stop taking a shower, going to the bathroom, brushing our hair or trimming our nails. It is psychological hygiene and an emotional health principle that we procrastinate and even give in to others. It is not suitable.

Self dignity must not be touched by the hands of others. No one can (or should) plant the seeds of their selfish desires in our hearts, nor sell us goals that don’t fit with our values. Besides, it doesn’t matter if those hands used to boycotting our identity are those of our partner, our parents or our supposed best friend.

There are territories that are private and that no one can cross. Attending to the properties of our being is something that concerns us, it is a daily hygiene task that cannot be neglected at any time.

Dr. Carol D. Ryff of the University of Pennsylvania is one of the greatest exponents of positive psychology. Between 1989 and 1998 she developed the interesting “Psychological Well-Being” model, which today remains one of the most rewarding contributions to people’s personal growth. It has a lot to do with the principle of health that we just talked about earlier.

We propose to reflect on your main points to start working on your own emotional and psychological autonomy from now on.

One of the most interesting points of Dr. Ryff’s approach is that which has to do with neuroscience. As she explains, when something happens around us that goes against our values ​​or when someone imposes their opinion on us or forces us to do something we don’t like, our limbic system reacts instantly.

This brain structure related to emotions is like an alarm. It’s that inner siren that whispers to us that “be careful, something’s wrong”. Instantly stress and cortisol surge into our bloodstream. Ideally, in these cases, we would be able to perceive this sensation, and simply count to 10. After that, react according to our real needs.

It’s not easy, but we can do it little by little if we learn to integrate these principles of psychological well-being into our lives.

• Practice daily self-acceptance.
• Make it a priority to establish positive and enriching relationships with people. If a specific relationship, whether as a friendship or as a couple, does not harmonize with these principles, consider making a change.
• Have a clear, objective life purpose. Fight for him.

• Invest in your personal growth. Every moment is adequate to realize it.
• Maintain proper control over your reality. You are the one who leads, guides, decides, starts, ends, delimits, and you are the one who must be responsible for your decisions.

In conclusion, we are aware that these strategies are not achieved overnight. It takes will, courage and perseverance. However, remember, if at any point you feel blocked or notice that you are losing autonomy, apply the most classic remedy of all: breathe, count to 10 and REACT, because in your heart only YOU command.

Images courtesy of Orestes Bouzon.