When Disappointing The Family Means Being Able To Be Yourself

Sometimes, disappointing the family is almost an obligation in order to be free, to reassert ourselves as people, as individuals deserving of our own happiness and responsible for our own independence. Disobeying or questioning certain family rules is a healthy act that renews us inside and out and, at the same time, places our loved ones at the complex and necessary crossroads of accepting us as we are or letting us go.

It’s not easy. During the first phase of the life cycle, there is always a moment when the child wakes up and becomes fully aware of these subtle inconsistencies that exist in many family dynamics. She realizes with surprise, for example, what parents advise and what they themselves apply in their own lives. She also feels, with some strangeness, this bitter distance between the expectations they place on her life and the ones she freely builds, feels and believes.

Family rules are like little atoms bumping into each other. They create an invisible matter that no one is aware of, but which chokes. They are brought about by intergenerational force, by our unconscious belief system, demands and codes; those that are expressed not only in the type of messages emitted during communication, but also in the tone of voice and non-verbal language.

Thus, and almost without realizing it, we are shaped by a series of factors and beliefs that we internalize silently and with great difficulty. Until we suddenly realize that we don’t fit into this puzzle, we realize that our “functional” family is perhaps not so much like that because there are too many silences, too many low gazes that avoid meeting. That’s when someone decides to make a decision, a path that will sometimes have a high cost: to disappoint our loved ones.

The complexity of some family ties

When Lucas came into the world, his mother was 41 years old and his father 46. For his parents, having an only child was not a choice, but rather the result of a complicated process. Before Lucas, the mother had four miscarriages and after him she had another one. Unwittingly, and certainly unwillingly, Lucas was always that lone survivor upon whom his family designed an entire manual of expectations, an entire compendium of hopes, dreams, and desires.

However, Lucas was never a good student and was also not very affectionate, much less obedient. Worst of all, during this entire period of failure at school, he had to live with the specter of his invisible siblings, the ones who were never born but whose parents were always present. “Surely some of them would have been an engineer like me”, “Surely some of them would have been more focused, more responsible…”.

In addition to the constant imaginary idealization of his parents, Lucas also had to face one or another unhappy message from one of his uncles or grandparents. “Listen to your mom, put music aside and focus on a profession. Your parents suffered a lot to have you and it wouldn’t cost anything to make them happy just once in your life”…

Now, having reached the age where he can finally become responsible for his own decisions, Lucas goes abroad to join a music conservatory. He is aware that he will disappoint his loved ones. He knows he will cause pain, but he is unable to be part of this familiar paradigm inhabited by ghosts and impossible expectations. Lucas needs to fulfill himself, aspire to a life consistent with what “I do, follow and feel”.

When disappointing means making others open their eyes

Last year an interesting study was carried out at the University of Utah, which explained which strategies can be of great help to these people who consider themselves the “black sheep” of their households. No one would be surprised to learn that this type of situation, in addition to the symbolism of the breakup, is extremely complex, so much so that many of our emotional problems have their origin in this complex clash of values, needs and opinions we have about our own family.

Knowing how to react, knowing how to deal efficiently with this type of reality is essential for our well-being. Thus, the three conclusions that were obtained in this interesting study can serve as an adequate guideline if we are going through a similar family situation.

• We must see ourselves as “resilient black sheep”, people capable of reacting to adversity in order to evolve, but without forgetting everything that was experienced, everything that was learned.
• Finding help, support or guidance outside of our family circle is essential to consider other perspectives, to gather confidence in ourselves, courage to make decisions.
• It is also necessary to be assertive with our family, because expressing our own needs, our own thoughts and desires aloud does not have to be a threat if we do it with respect, maturity and conviction. If disappointment appears, it will be nothing more than an effective and necessary way to approach the truth.

At the same time, and to conclude, it is positive that we do not see ourselves as “marginalized”. Although many “black sheep” don’t mind – apparently – being this “disturbing” or “challenging” element in the family nucleus, sometimes “black sheep” end up being slaves to the label that others place, which many people end up taking as a reinforcement. Thus, for example, someone may systematically end up contradicting any family rule or desire, however much they also prefer this option.

We must relativize this distorted value that has been placed on us for so long and also understand that disappointing sometimes has no negative connotations. It is a necessary act, with which we reaffirm ourselves as independent people with our own criteria.

Images courtesy of Łukasz Gładki.