Why Do People Who Compare Us To Others Do This?

There is a widespread bad habit. In fact, it’s common to experience it almost from childhood, a time when our parents can compare us to others by highlighting what they do and we don’t. In adulthood there are also people who, in good faith or bad, compare us with others and highlight what we lack.

Daring to be different seems to be a challenge in a society that imposes the normative. Unfortunately, it only takes a bit of what is “socially expected” for someone to instantly point a finger in our direction.

Nobody is like another. Neither better nor worse, it’s different. Comparisons are odious, as Jean Paul-Sartre said. However, human beings have a weak point to compare and compare themselves to others. It feels almost like an addiction, a very contagious obsession that undermines personal growth and destroys identities.

Because those who compare us to others, and most of us have been through this at some point, don’t do it to praise what makes us unique and special. It does to highlight what is missing, what fails or what is not normative.

Comparison is poison to self-esteem. This is especially true if we compare ourselves, if we have a bad habit of looking at our environment to assess ourselves. Now, when the comparison comes from others, whether from a family member, partner or friend, we can also be very harmed.

Reasons why people compare us to others

The theory of social comparison, enunciated by social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, points to something interesting. When a person runs out of obvious clues about their effectiveness, value, or characteristics, they turn their attention to those around them. In this way, you get a reference about yourself to make an assessment. Thus, somehow, human beings seek to define themselves by taking others as a reference.

We know this is a source of constant frustration. However,  why are there those who compare us to others? Let’s put some examples in this topic. Imagine a mother who always compares her two daughters. He reminds the youngest, almost every day, that at the same age the older sister already had a good job, a stable partner and her first child.

Likewise, as if that were not enough, this same girl suffers the weight of comparisons by her partner. The latter tells her that she is almost as insecure as a co-worker of hers, or that physically she looks more and more like one of her cousins. Something like that, without a doubt, has a determining effect on this young woman’s self-esteem. These types of verbalizations undermine and create insecurities and even complexes.

As Confucius said, the complexes come as passengers. At first they are mere guests, but in the end they remain true masters. And if it’s others who reinforce and nurture them daily, the consequences can be overwhelming. Let’s see, next, why people do this, why there are these types of people who compare us to others.

lack of emotional intelligence

Those who compare us to others have, above all, low Emotional Intelligence. We must be very clear about this aspect so that we are not overwhelmed by this common practice. Those people who so quickly resort to the use of comparisons lack empathy to understand that each being is unique, exceptional in character, essence, presence and values.

If they don’t understand this reality, they don’t connect with us,  they don’t have respect, they can’t put themselves in our shoes. Furthermore, another principle of Emotional Intelligence is correct communication. Within this approach, something that is always taken into account is that the use of comparisons is not valid and much less useful.

If we want to draw someone’s attention to something related to their behavior, we will talk to them without referring to others.

• For example, we cannot say to a child “ you are as bad at math as your brother Pablo; none of you have a solution”  . Instead of using that statement, the right thing to do would be to say  “I see you have math problems, but I think if you try a little harder and ask what you don’t understand, you’ll get over it.”

People who don’t value what they have

People who compare us to others may not appreciate what they have. This is seen in parents who think that other people’s children are more diligent, and also in a person who does not value their partner as he deserves.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by doctors Sebastian Deri and Shai Davidai indicates that those who have a bad habit of comparing themselves do not value who they are and what they have. Their pessimistic and non-conformist prejudice means that the person never values ​​their loved ones for who they are.

And something like that is highly problematic.

People who compare us to other people use emotional manipulation

Last but not least, we have a third option. Those who compare us to others may also have other reasons, which are nothing more than manipulating us and undermining our self-esteem. In fact, this is a common tactic for anyone looking to be in control, as constant comparison is an exercise in humiliation and belittling.

In conclusion, as we can see, people who compare us to others lack the basic tools of sociability, respect and empathy. We will avoid empowering them, disallow these behaviors and always defend our individuality.  Being unique, different and unique is our best value.